Why is Addiction Called “A Family Disease”?
- By Kathy Brock Frasier, Former Regional Director, The Addict's Mom
Addiction is often called a family disease, yet many dispute this, saying they do not have the problem. They say the problem is with the person taking drugs. However, addiction wraps its tentacles tightly around those closest to the addict, most typically family and friends. Good times, family events, love, happiness, and joy are replaced by an obsession with stopping the addict's destructive behavior.
Family resentment is fueled by the “enabler,” who repeatedly attempts to fix the problem, using consequences that are otherwise effective with non-addicted children. After many attempts, strategies, and years spent trying to stop the addict from taking drugs, the failed cycle remains in place, and family dynamics change. Living with an addict causes severe trauma to everyone within the home. The stress brought on by addiction often manifests as physical ailments, including high blood pressure, headaches, frequent colds, and chest pain, to name a few.
Because we are so busy worrying about others, we neglect ourselves. Brothers, sisters, and spouses often feel excluded and unimportant; ultimatums are issued, forcing a choice between the child and the spouse; and strife in the household has become the norm. The family begins to disintegrate, and resentment festers. The entire family feels anger, sadness, depression, fear, loneliness, jealousy, shame, inadequacy, and failure. Purses and wallets become bedtime companions; bedroom doors are locked; valuables are hidden in locked safes; and the home becomes a fortress. Finances are depleted, friendships are lost, relationships are damaged, our health is poor, and the home is a war zone. Helplessness sets in.
There is a term for behavior that enables an addict, and it is called co-dependence. Some consider co-dependence a disease. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines co-dependence as a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected by a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly, dependence on the needs of or control by another. Addicts manipulate families, doing or saying anything to minimize their disease and continue drug use. As parents, we want to believe the best of our addicted children, and we always hold out hope that their words are true and that the madness will end.
What we often fail to understand is the strength of addiction. When we choose to believe them and give in to their requests, only to be let down again, we take it personally. We ask ourselves, how could our child do this to us? Education about addiction as a true brain disease is paramount to our own recovery from this disease, as well as theirs. Once we recognize our futile attempts to stop a disease for which there is still no cure, we can begin to use different strategies for dealing with our addicted children. We can allow our children to experience the consequences of their behavior. In essence, we can raise their bottom. We can begin to take care of ourselves by reaching out to mothers who have had similar experiences. As we build friendships and feel supported and loved, it becomes easier to make difficult decisions, and we learn new ways to cope with the reality of addiction.
While it's widely agreed that giving our addicted children cash is not a good idea because it likely leads to buying more drugs, and hiring expensive attorneys might offer a short reprieve (but does not guarantee recovery), we must remember that each child and every circumstance is unique.
There is no right or wrong way to respond to a situation. We must live with our own decisions about enabling/co-dependence, and each decision must be carefully weighed. One indisputable fact remains... a healthy and educated family is better equipped to face the trials of an addicted child.
